3 Ways to Abuse Bernard's Watch for Personal Financial Gain

Sigh...The eternal Enigma that is the now cult children's television programme Bernards watch. If only I had that watch... For those unfamiliar with the show, our haphazard protagonist, Bernard, has taken mild revenge on his parents for naming him after a breed of mountain rescue dog, by acquiring a pocket watch, that when called upon, stops time in its very tracks.

This allows Bernard to wander around and get up to mischief. Except - as this was a fictional television programme, this never amounted to more than a light level of mischievousness found in a Just William book. If you are too young to remember Just William, he was some kind of Dennis the Menace character who's pent up hormonal tensions erupted in a series of archaic pranks normally involving soot in one way or another. Chortle chortle etc.

But what of the practical applications I hear you ask?!

The concept of Bernards watch has literally been debated by some people, over a length of actual time. Possibly days. As with planning how many quad bikes you would buy when you win the Euromillions, mentally questioning your B.W.P.O.A (Bernards watch plan of acion) has become second nature to many. Invariably, my child like brain holds it dear.

Naturally, first thoughts turn to how you can benifit financially from Bernards watch. Lets pause to think about it (See what I did there).

3) Jewellery Shop theft

A very amateur approach. Pause time and grab the shiny things. Easy. A few problems with this approach. Do you linger in a jewellery shop, awaiting the moment someone goes to try something on, pausing time as the assistant unlocks the glass case? Do you smash the case? More importantly, how do shift your swag? (look kids, I just used 'swag' in context. Make a note yeah?) The higher the cost of the jewellery you are stealing, the harder its going to be to find a buyer. I don't want to deal with those kind of people. They might steal my watch, and that would be game over.

2) The Diet Plan

With significantly faster results than the Brian Butterfield Diet Plan. The idea is simple, yet uses Bernards watch to stunning effect.

Step one: Stuff your chubby little face until you are suitably rotund.

Step two: Publicise your new diet plan. It doesn't matter what it is. I'd go for something vaguely believeable, maybe rollerblade your way to fitness, or train platform exercises for the time pressed commuter. (Tv coverage can be purchased with the spoils of your jewellery heist.)

Step three: (This is the important bit) Pause time. Go for a jog, or don't. Take your time. Just stop eating as much. Get yourself down to a sensible weight.

Step four: Unpause time! Imagine that! In 24 hours you have gone from heffa to... Normal. Step 5: Sell your story, write a book, make a fitness DVD. Repeat as neccessary.

1. The Dedication Method

Maybe you want to avoid reaching an almost embarrasing level of celebrity, maybe you have some morals? Maybe you think you are already half decent at ping pong?

By pausing time, you are giving yourself a unlimited window in which to hone your skills in a range of activities. What's more, choosing an activity or sport that can be practiced by as an individual actually gives you a believable backstory rather than "Bloody hell Dan, I never knew you played Lacrosse at such a high level!". Years of dedication and hard work condensed into seconds. Probably not Lacrosse. That's a bit of a waste.

Essentially, you don't really have to worry about what you would do with Bernards watch, it being a fictional 90's children's television programme and all. You will probably never win the Euromillions either, but that doesn't stop you imagining quad bike and jet-ski shopping...

Image:  Mr. Velocipede