4 Unavoidable January Sale Shopping Fails

Straight off the bat - this is not a blog about how online shopping is killing the high street. There is nothing I enjoy more than watching hordes of people colliding whilst their Primark bags fizzle away in the rain like a Berocca. If anything, I would encourage the demise of the high street. Shopping as a whole, is at best, uneconomical. At worst it makes you question your very belief in how we function as a society, as you find yourself in a quiet corner of John Lewis being told off for lying on a display bed, sweating profusely over whether to buy the hand towels in turquoise or aquamarine and wondering where it all went wrong.

How on earth has shopping – buying things you want for your own personal enjoyment – offended so many people with such frequency?

4 Unavoidable January Sale & Shopping Fails

4. Loyalty Cards

The cashier asks if you have a points card, you don't. And then you apologise. Because you are British and you are ever so sorry.

Do I want an advantage card? I suppose it is quite clever. 'Advantage'. I do love advantages, and to get the upper hand on an established pharmaceutical company like Boots would be something of an achievement. Maybe I could put it on Linkedin? That might be a bit much. I could just add it to my likes and interests? “likes to take advantage”, maybe not, that doesn't sound quite right.

I Might start telling cashiers that I do actually have a loyalty card, but I don't want to use it on this particular occasion as I haven't been a good boy this Christmas, even if I would get double points. Absolute anarchy.

3.Receipts

Diamonds? Gold? Gold plated diamond encrusted iPads? None of these are as valuable as receipts. We have managed to convince ourselves that receipts are the most valuable asset known to man. We must hoard them. For everything, even sandwiches. What if there was some glass in your Christmas sandwich and you cut your face wide open and then you didn't have a receipt. What then?! You'd have to live your life living in a hole, permanently disfigured. Maybe you could get a job in B&Q just to get out the house, yeah that would be quite nice for you. You could polish the taps (Is that a legitimate job?).

2. Changing Rooms

Changing rooms are proof that no matter how lovely and warm the shop assistants make you feel, how shiny all the things around you are, how Topshop manages to play that Adele song that you love, despite all of this, they do not trust you not to steal everything.

Upon being herded into what can only be described as a holding pen, you are thrust a colourful circle of plastic indicating how many items you have. This system has never been breached, not even by professional shoplifters. Fact.

It's the equivalent of someone letting you have a go on their iPad, but logging out of Facebook first. I like you, but, I don't trust you enough to steal my dignity. There's a thought for Christmas.

1. Sales

Shops have resorted to cheating. It's jut not fair. At the best of times, I'm not good at shopping, so I don't appreciate shops tricking me into thinking there’s a sale. Is it a sale? An actual sale with money off? Should I be queueing. I queued for the Olympics and that was marvellous, I'm not sure I want to queue for anything less that International glory any more, especially not this winter jacket. I don't even want it but its a good deal so now I have to buy it. That's just how things work.

When it comes to January sales, I've gone cold turkey. Literally, I'm on my laptop and I have some cold turkey. Give it up shops.

Images: hellojenuine, Simon Greig