A Very Simple Christmas Lampoon
Its Christmas! Well, December, the 8.3% of the year when its acceptable to drink Baileys. Alas, its not all about Baileys, there are so many other equally as desperate companies vying to mop up that festive cheer.
Stuffing the Opulence of Christmas in Some Bread
Today, I had a pack of sandwiches known as the 'Christmas triple'. Not content with choosing a sandwich with one meagre filling, I had 3 different sandwiches. Because, at Christmas, we apparently lack decisiveness. Each sandwich had its own bespoke filling based on a popular festive culinary theme. Unfortunately, the theme today, was poor quality.
Why buy such a thing, I hear literally none of you cry? Alas, I was caught out by the Sainsburys meal deal. Yeah, screw you recession, this is England, the only double dipping round here is a biccy in a lovely cuppa.
So yes, It was the sandwich with the highest individual price included within the deal. It was a purely financially motivated choice. Unlike the following choices, void of any financial responsibility...
Presents – Our Wildly Erratic Guesses at Things Other People Might Want to Own
Luckily, there are plenty of lovely companies that will help us out when it comes to choosing presents. If we even have a choice any more. Do we? Or are we just told?
Luckily, de-constructing Christmas advertisements has become somewhat my forte. The sickening plinky plonky piano, the soft focus, the lens flare, the complete absence of any religious reference on which the holiday was originally founded.
Christmas therefore, is the perfect time of year for selling absolutely anything. An entire nation, forced to spend literally millions of pounds on things that the recipient may not even want. Better still, those receiving these 'presents', have to pretend that they are truly grateful. Genius.
In summary, someone buys something they don't want. Spends some money hiding it, badly, In thin paper nonetheless, and then gives it away to someone, who will then hide it again, only this time in a cupboard and never use it. Now that, my friends, is marketing.
I'm not sure when Christmas sales transformed from, 'buying all the stuff that's left over from Christmas that no-one wanted' to 'Lets all wait till after Christmas and then all buy new shoes'. I'm not complaining, I mean who doesn't like new shoes? Christmas, one of only three times a year that causes mass unjustified panic buying. The others; threat of a natural disaster and of course, the imminent release of a new iPhone.
Unjustified Self Managed Print Media – The Family Newsletter
Simply stunning. A complete social anomaly. A form of communication so far removed from reality that it can only happen under the relative safety of the season of goodwill. You know what I'm talking about, Christmas family newsletters. One A4 page, a montage of photos arranged in Word. Word 97 at that. 700 words of indiscriminate family 'news'. Bonus points for those who have laid out the contents in columns like a newspaper. NEWS JUST IN – WE'RE ALL EMBARRASSED.
For those who have received one from my family. I am truly sorry. I wish not inflict my GCSE, A level, or current violin grade results on your family ever again. (I can't really play violin)
These are the signs that Christmas be a comin' if you miss them, then it might just pass you by. If not, just look out for a big red American truck selling a carbonated drink originally made with a class A drug. Ah forget it...
Image: Tiffany Terry
