Did You Find Everything You Were Looking For Today sir?
A simple question you might think. A tidbit from the customer care Bible regurgitated by sales assistants up and down the county. Completely harmless. Or…
A question loaded with presumption, malice and blind ignorance? I will be discussing ‘the question in question’ in this essay blog post.
Ever since I visited Accessorize in search of a gift on that fateful day, my very existence has been overshadowed, even my happiest moments (finding a pound on the floor, finding two pounds on the floor and finally spending those combined three pounds on a hoi sin duck wrap) have been tainted. I don’t mean to over exaggerate*, but the question has burned away inside me so much that not even those tiny Gaviscon firemen can help.
*Of course, to say ‘over exaggerate’ would be grammatically incorrect. I added that so you could pick up on it and give yourself a little mental high five for your excellent grasp of the English language. You are welcome.
I have outlined my concerns and some say, ‘wild accusations’ below.
Did you find everything you were looking for today sir?
Objection 1: Can I even say yes?
Are you trying to imply that I haven’t found what I was looking for? It seems that I am still purchasing an item, is this not the one I was looking for? Has my position as a successful shopper become so untenable that you can spot that I am not 100% happy with my final purchase? Or have you just assumed from my instantly recognisable ‘man buying a gift’ awkward shuffle dance around the store that I have given up and grabbed the nearest thing that’s large enough to pass as a substantial gift (yes that is how my simplistic mind works – and no, inflatable objects are in their own category, I’m not an idiot).
I don’t mentally catalogue the stock levels of high-street shops as a hobby, so yes, there may be some searching involved. But how dare you question my methods.
You’ll find me stood in the middle of the floor plan slowly rotating like a rotisserie chicken, but that’s how I like to shop. Afford me my own arrogance, but I have incredible hawk like sight. I call my shopping technique the ‘savannah scanner’ and it’s very effective. I know I can’t feel the quality of the item from all the way over here by the mannequins, but you and I both know that all these products have the structural integrity of a potato waffle. And yes, I can’t see the price from my imaginary crow’s nest, but you underestimate my desire to distance myself from this whole debacle both mentally and financially.
Did you find everything you were looking for today sir?
Objection 2: Yes, am I not allowed to just buy the one thing?
Did I find everything I was looking for, well yes, this is it. I am indeed buying the item that I coveted, that I have scoured the store for and that I now hold in my sweaty little hands. In this scenario, the question would now relate to additional items that I presumably haven’t found due to my ineptitude. Sorry, is this not enough? Should I buy more?
Did you find everything you were looking for today sir?
Objection 3: Well, that sure is a vague question
What if I was looking for some stuff yesterday too, and what if I haven’t found that yet? Can you help? I say 'stuff', it was a puppy, and I probably should be out searching for that helpless pup, but you lured me in with your lovely scarves.
At the time of the inquisition, I didn't have much time to ponder my answer, but consider this my reposte. I hope that shopping assistants everywhere take a long hard look at themselves for what they have done to me.
Oh, and can I get that gift wrapped?
(N.B No puppies were lost in the making of this blog post)
Image: West Midlands Police
